Tag: Mental Health

What is strength? 

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We talk about strength so often, ‘she’s so strong’ ‘he has such strength’ but what does it actually mean? And does it mean the same to you as it does your neighbour? 

A quick Google search will show you multiple definitions we have for the word.

 

I would say my husband is incredibly strong, he can bench 120kg and barely break a sweat but I would say that his mental strength far surpasses anything he can do physically. It would have to for him to survive me everyday!

In our family, and amongst friends, I have always been seen as strong, robust or a bouncy ball as they used to say ‘always bouncing back’. At some point in life, after so many bounces, you begin to loose your elasticity and your once bubbly and energetic bounce becomes more of a hauling yourself off the floor whilst trying to not cause further damage or sustain long term injury.

I really do feel like that bouncy ball, a year or 2 ago you could have kicked me down and pushed me round, you would have found that I still come back smiling. Today I’m a much more fragile kind of ball perhaps more glass than bounce. A pretty strong type of glass mind, just much more open/transparent and a little less bouncy.


So I fall harder and I recover slower. Does that make me ‘weak’ or any less strong? It all depends on your interpretation of strength. Before my mental health got really bad, bouncing back was part of my nature and not something I found so difficult. Now days I find myself taking the negative things in life much more to heart and they affect me more deeply. My mental health can be both my best friend and my bully. And there is no harder bully to battle than your own mind.

If somebody makes it into work when they really don’t want to but I only just make it to my living room, does that make them mentally stronger than I am? What most people fail to realise is that to some, making the smallest steps can be the biggest achievement. For me, getting on a bus or going to a social event is one the bravest things I can do and is a time where I show incredible strength. Because strength is relative. 


Lifting 120kg on the moon might not be all that impressive so it really depends upon which planet you’re starting from. To me the rest of the world experiences set backs, and life in general, relative to the gravity on the moon. I on the other hand can experience them relative to the gravity at the centre of the earth. It’s still the same amount of weight, technically, but our ability to hold the weight and the pressure it places upon us are very different depending on where we stand. 

Just because you might handle a situation different to someone else or because you can’t work 24 hours 7 days a week doesn’t mean that the person who can is stronger than you. 


The times when we are at our strongest are when we are most scared but continue anyway. When we ‘feel the fear but do it anyway’. 

We are all uniquely and independently strong. There is no such thing as that awful phrase ‘man up’ which disgusts me to my core. What does it even mean? The words ‘you hit like a girl’. Where does that even come from? They’re ‘weak’ or they ‘just can’t handle it’ you have no idea what that person is having to ‘handle’, not a clue.

The next time you feel the need to compare your ‘weakness’ to someone else’s strength, ask yourself, are we dealing with this problem under the same gravity? 


Yesterday I did something that made me terrified. I thought I was going to faint the whole way there. I even had a friend kindly come along to provide support. Part of me was kicking myself for not being ‘strong enough’ to not cry, to be head strong, to face the fear alone. But do you know what? I did it. I was strong not because I wasn’t scared when others might not be, not because I was ‘head strong’ or ‘determined’ but because I was absolutely and completely terrified and yet, I still did it. 

“I was powerful not because I was’t scared but because I went on so strongly, despite the fear.”

Never mistake your silence for weakness, your kindness for acceptance. Never believe you are not enough because today your head and mental health was just too much to fight. Today you are alive because you win your fight every day. And for that you are the strongest person I know. 

Do not be afraid to be afraid.

XxX

Should you expect the world?

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My husband throughout his life has always prepared for failure. If he doesn’t get his hopes up then he won’t be so disappointed if he doesn’t get it. We couldn’t be more different on this front. When I prepare, I prepare for success. I literally pour my heart and soul in. If I’m unsuccessful yes it can be devastating but after lots of practice you learn to move on quickly to the next venture. I have failed in job applications, exams, friendships, love and life in general. But I have succeeded more times than I have lost.

In the words of Thomas Edison there really is no such thing as failure, only learning how not to do something. If you ‘fail’ 100 times you have really just learnt 100 ways not to do something.

My husband may have less disappointment in his life, but that can mean his victories aren’t quite as emotional. They are tarnished by anti disappointment methods. He reduces the suspense whereas I build mine up so that when I do finally succeed it’s a huge accomplishment.

So what is the right approach? There is no magical formula to protect ourself from disappointment or learning how not to do something. But I truly do believe that without knowing sadness you cannot experience true happiness. You have to accept the peaks and troughs. Protecting yourself all the time is denying yourself the right to actually live.

So I set my expectations high. My expectations of myself and of others. Yes this means I have further to fall but, when my hopes and dreams do come through, they’re pretty darn amazing.

Not everyone can live up to your hopes or expectations. So you do have to learn to let things go and to forgive, as I mentioned above, to a new venture. It can mean that I’m judged for expecting the best from people but that doesn’t make me a bad person or mean that I should be demoralised until my expectations are lowered.

One of my favourite quotes of all time comes from the film ‘Did you hear about the Morgan’s’. When trying to overcome divorce, our resident sex in the city gal, Sarah Jessica Parker, says that perhaps she needs to scale back her expectations, to not expect anything from him and for him to not expect from her to; make the marriage work. Just as she is about to accept a fate of low expectations and therefore a life without those highs and joys, a wise man (Sam Elliot one of my faves!) tells her:

‘you should expect everything from each other!’.


This quote really resonates with me. I am so passionate about making the people I love feel special and happy that I literally expect the world from myself to them. Of course I’m not perfect and I can royally screw up sometimes and also I can’t keep everyone ecstatically happy all of the time because there is only one of me. I also have arguments like other people and disagreements which detract from happiness from time to time. But the point is, my intention is there. Where I can and where I have the opportunity to make the people I love feel amazing I do.

In giving the world, do I expect it in return? Yes I do. Know that I don’t give the world to receive it, but as I am always preparing for the best and for success, I naturally expect and see the good in people. Unfortunately not everyone shares my passion. And as I mentioned about falling a long way before… If your expectations are high then your pain from the loss is even higher.

There are some things that you can’t just quickly move on from. My husband tells me that I should just stop expecting such high results and stop giving them so that I can’t get hurt. Just accept that’s the way it is and move on. You don’t have to give the world to them and they don’t to you. The problem is, I will never stop trying to give the world because it makes me happy to see others happy. It makes me happy to make someone smile, to create a happy tear, to give motivation, to empower, to push people to achieve, to push people to be the best they can be.

Not everyone wants the world from you. Some people would just rather a continent or a small island and they don’t want to give you the world. Sadly for me it’s all or nothing. I wish I could just give a piece of myself, to just be around from time to time and smile where necessary. But that’s not who I am and that’s who I will never be. Because the in between genuinely makes me miserable and depressed. Either you’re with me in my life through our individual ups and downs or you’re not. I was also not created just for the downs when you decide you want me, or for you to ride on the back of my ups. This is a mutual swapping of the earth here. 

Handing out planets on the corner.

XxX

Are you OK? Then I’m OK

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Working in a learning environment I often use and teach a number of different psychology models. It’s always interesting to see how they work in practice and indeed if they work at all. I have seen people really succeed with them, change their careers and their lives. I’ve also seen them fall flat on their face with poor application and even with good application.

One of my favourites, that applies to us all, is transactional analysis. The notion that we all have the ability to respond in the parent, adult, child ego states. I don’t pretend to be an expert on this, but anyone who picks up a book on it can begin to develop a good understanding.

I was often told by my CBT therapist that I drove a lot of my life and emotions on the ‘you’re OK, I’m OK’ basis. (The child) my ability to be OK in myself rested solely on whether everyone else was OK with me. If they were not OK or were unhappy with something it would fill me with self doubt and total devaluation. Always wanting to make sure that people were and are happy with me.

‘Do not engage’ was something she would say often. You do not have to take someone else’s emotions on. Particularly when they are unnecessary and unhelpful. 

If you buy someone a gift and they do not accept it then that gift still belongs to you. If someone directs their anger at you or hurtful behaviours then you do not have to take that on, it will remain with them. 

So I’ve been learning how to respond as the ‘adult’, staying factual, not being personal and focusing on the issue at hand. It can be difficult and even harder when someone is being the ‘parent’ and you respond in the way that feels natural as the ‘child’. And sometimes you will slip.

A major hurdle is being able to remain the ‘adult’ when you are continually being pushed to be the ‘child’. I have experienced a lot of ‘parents’ in my life. Telling me which behaviours and beliefs of mine are wrong or right. Leaving me on the defensive and unable to actually assess whether what they say is right. It’s quite liberating when you step back into that ‘adult’ space. Realising that just because someone says X does not mean they are right. 

If someone refuses to be an ‘adult’ with you to resolve conflict you may eventually be led to leave the situation as it is. With no real resolution. You can continue on as the ‘adult’ with the notion of ‘do not engage’ in your mind. But doesn’t that mean that the issue is never truly resolved? And if you have an emotional connection with that person then it’s torn and never really healed. Sure it would have affect in a work environment. ‘It’s not personal, it’s business’. Does it really work in personal relationships though? We are humans with emotional memories and it’s not possible to swipe that memory clean by simply not talking about it. 

Taking the ‘I’m OK’ approach and the ‘do not engage’ approach may not actually solve anything. Instead you may be forced to continue your life as ‘normal’ knowing things won’t actually be the same. Your expectations of those relationships have dropped and so has your emotional attachment with them.

You can admit your own faults to find an amicable solution but if others are unwilling to move on their position and recognise their faults and hurtful behaviours, then we’re just playing the ‘parent’ blame game. And the ‘child’ ‘poor me’ card.

Just because that other person or people are now ‘OK’ to move on that doesn’t mean that you’re ‘OK’. You may be forced to pretend you are ‘OK’ and act as the ‘adult’. But in truth you will never be OK with that relationship again and things will never feel the same again. Because, as I said, we’re humans. And some hurtful things can’t be unsaid or forgotten.

Sometimes it’s OK to give the world and sometimes it’s OK to expect it.

XxX

That Fri-Yay feeling

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What do you think about the whole ‘Fri-Yay feeling’? Unless you work in a role that isn’t weekday specific, such as emergency services or retail, we’ve all pretty much had that Fri-Yay feeling. A feeling that brings us all together, a common emotion we can all share in ‘thank goodness that week is over’.

I always think it’s quite sad though that we’re often wishing our life away. I can’t wait for ‘the weekend’ ‘for a few days off’ ‘for a break’. But doesn’t that essentially mean that we’re only actually allowing ourselves to live 2 days out of 7. Of course we have our ups and downs in the week, happy and sad moments, but if we’re always only ever looking forward and waiting for what’s coming then are we ever really in the present? 

They say the people most satisfied with life on their death bed are those that have lived in the present the most. Those that feel they have absorbed and learnt from as many days as possible. Like now, you’re reading this but that means you’re not currently in the present. Your mind is focused on reading instead of what’s going on around you. Who are you with? What can you smell? Is it warm? Cold? What sounds can you hear, quiet and loud? What can you taste? What can you feel? 

People with anxiety are often taught these mindfulness exercises. Living in the present rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. I like the saying ‘the past is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present!’ (Yes I did copy that from Kung Fu Panda). But it’s very true. No one knows if tomorrow will ever come for any of us and the past no longer exists. The only time that currently exists is now, and now, and now. We are always moving forward, never back and we are never guaranteed the next second.

What would you do if this was your last minute to live? Would you say ‘I can’t wait for Friday?’ Or would you make the most of every second you have right now? I’m not telling you to be extreme here like my OCD makes me when it comes to there being no tomorrow. What I am saying is to live in the present just a little bit more. 

What can you do today to make yourself happy TODAY of course remember the possible repercussions on tomorrow and the lessons you learnt from yesterday, but use that knowledge to make today better.

We will always be looking forward to that Fri-Yay feeling. That’s just human nature. But in the mean time, remember not to wish the present and your life away. After reading this look up and think about what is going on around you, get involved in the conversations, jump in the puddles, dance in the street. The only person that will be sad they didn’t is you. 

What is Friday actually going to do for you today?

The present, right now, really is a gift.

Living in the now

XxX

Ps. I know not everyday is fun and actually some are pretty awful, especially where our loved ones are unwell. And that’s why it’s so important to use the present more in the ordinary days so that our difficult days are more manageable. 

The Power of Positivity

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Today I’m proud of myself for conquering my demons and one of my biggest fears – confrontation when I just want to be liked.

The thing about being assertive is that it doesn’t have to involve conflict or any negativity. If you prepare what you want to say, and really think about how it is going to land with the other person, then it can be quite beneficial for you both.

Yesterday I had to deliver a very personal and difficult message to someone. Explaining how their actions had affected me and how they could have acted more constructively, delivering the same message to me but in a positive manner.

Disney: where I feel most assertive and just like me!

I may have cried a little at one point, which I’m kind of annoyed at myself for, but I recovered very quickly and continued the conversation. I suppose this isn’t a negative and in some instances can be a positive. Showing people that you are human and have emotions can actually make you more credible as a person because people see you as ‘real’.

I stood my ground and politely put my point across, explaining my reasoning. Disagreeing with someone doesn’t have to be a negative experience. In fact, disagreeing with each other is the reason the world progresses and how we learn from each other. How boring would life be if we all thought exactly the same things at the same time. 

The moral of the story is to remember to step out of the stream sometimes and watch from the river bank. We’re always caught up in our own journey and emotions and often find it hard to have an objective view of our situations. By stepping out of the stream and watching the situation from the river bank I was able to think about the right questions to ask and how the other person may feel about them. 


Minnie Mouse understands the power of positivity! 

If I had just gone to this person with the attitude of ‘this is how it is and I’m upset and it’s your fault and you’re wrong’ then they would have instantly been defensive and my message would not have got through. Instead I went to them and asked them politely what their intention was for their actions. What did they hope to get from it, so that I can understand the reasoning a little better. Listening to understand instead of listening to respond is a great life skill and one that we could all be better at. 

So the next time you’re facing a difficult situation, before allowing your emotions to take over, just step out of the stream and on to the river bank. What is actually happening in this situation? What are the facts and not just the feelings? How would an outsider assess the situation? How can you think about it in a more positive light? 

Only when you think about a problem from all directions will you be able to fully understand how to get your message across and be understood. And once you’ve conquered that you’ll be master of your own universe! 

Feeling assertive 

XxX

Who are you Today?

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I spoke to friends today about the reinvention of yourself. About how amazing the world and your life can be if you just take a step back to truly think about life.

Picture by David Wilsher Instagram:DJWillox

It took me allowing myself to fail and give up before I was able to see what I really truly want from life. I became unemployed for 4 months which was ridiculously scary. I have never been unemployed from the day that I was legally able to work. Never had a gap in employment even when studying full time or studying part time. Allowing and accepting myself to fall into the ‘unemployment category’ was an incredible learning journey and one that I never thought I would be brave enough to take.

We all have this inherent fear that we must always be working toward a purpose, in employment or looking for employment. Raising a family or looking for employment. Now I know it’s fundamental to secure your finances but what if you could just take a third of a year off to really think about who you are? Do you think you would want to keep doing what you’re doing? Considering you only get one shot in this life?

Picture by David Wilsher Instagram:DJWillox

In those 4 months when I was unwell with my own mental health and then planning my wedding, I was for once in my life finally able to reflect. I had the freedom to completely reinvent myself. Was the career I’m working on truly one for me? Or should I go for something completely out of the box and new!

I’m back in employment now, not only for financial reasons but also to not become house bound and too dependent on others, staying away too long would have made my anxiety worse. But those 4 months of reflecting gave me the chance to think about something I never thought about before, who am I? And I don’t mean what do I do, what’s my background or my academics. But who am I?

Who would I have been back when we still lived in caves, what would I have been good at and what would I have enjoyed? Letting go of what I thought I wanted, but wasn’t making me happy, taught me to explore what I actually wanted.

And in honesty I don’t think most people in this world know what they want. And I mean what they really want, who they really are. And of course our wants and needs can change.

I’ve spent a career educating myself in the legal profession for 8 years and 5 years in Learning and Development teaching adults. But what really inspires me is the Stars. The science behind how we came to be and where we’re going. Inventing the next rocket to the moon or being instrumental in our journey to Mars. It’s something I was never conditioned to do and something school or education never opened the door for me on. 

Picture by David Wilsher Instagram:DJWillox

By reflecting on who I truly am I’ve been able to learn more about who I want to be. 

I have to thank myself for being brave enough to let go of what I had and what I thought I wanted but that wasn’t making me happy. 

I’m currently in the process of obtaining student finance for an engineering degree. I want to be an engineer, a physicist, a designer and an innovator. I thought I was an extrovert and despite my bubbly and loud nature I learnt that in fact, I’m an introvert who enjoys socialising. I thought I enjoyed working in teams more but now I’ve learnt that I love personal challenges and leading teams.

Picture by David Wilsher Instagram:DJWillox

If there is one thing you do this year, 2017, take a step back. Take a moment to stop and think about who you are, not what you do. 

I really do live by the notion that sometimes you have to loose yourself to find your true self. 

Writing this blog has helped me to reflect on the thoughts and feelings I have each day and what causes me to feel that way. My advice to you is to find a way to express yourself. Whether it be writing, painting, drawing, dancing. Whatever works for you do it. Express how you feel and learn from it. 

Are you pleased with the way you have felt over the past week and would you be pleased to feel like that every week for the rest of your life? If the answer is yes then that’s amazing! But if the answer is no then you need to take action now, not tomorrow, not next week but now. No one is going to take action for you. No friend, psychic, coach or psychologist can do it for you. Only you can discover what makes you happy and you are the only one that can make things happen.

Picture by David Wilsher Instagram:DJWillox

Today I’m not who I was 8 years ago when I began my journey in the legal profession. Today I’m an aspiring physicist who wants to help develop the world. Today I’m me.

Who are you today?

XxX

Photo credit: Today I would like to thank my beautiful friend David Wilsher who has been an absolute rock to me, an inspiration and in many ways at many times my saviour. All of these beautiful pictures are his own and he has kindly shared them with me. You can find more on his Instagram: DJWillox


Why I hate myself today 

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I’m trying to hate myself less today, for being a total muck up in everything I do. I was late this morning, went to the wrong office, forgot a colleagues laptop and handled a sensitive issue quite poorly which has upset a good friend.

I feel like I just need to run away and wipe the slate clean. Find a new role to start again. But running is the easiest thing. To be honest, it makes me so sad and anxious that if I was secure financially I would have run already.

I wonder if I will ever just be a ‘normal’ person that no one thinks badly of. My rational brain says that everyone can forget things from time to time and it’s really not a big deal or a judgement on your ability. And even my team responded in a way to show it was a total ‘non issue’.

Unfortunately my brain said that people must think I’m a total mess, a drain on the team, someone that brings no benefit at all and that just causes drama.

Today I hate HATE my depression and OCD. If I didn’t have it I wouldn’t have been late, if I wasn’t so anxious my brain would have functioned more and I would have remembered the laptop and which office to go to. If my OCD and depression didn’t exist then there would have been no sensitive situation for me to handle poorly. And if my OCD and depression didn’t exist I wouldn’t be so paranoid and anxious about being a burden. I’m still seeking reassurance by sending apology messages to my friend which is probably just making things 10 times worse!

Today I hate my OCD and depression for making me anxious about forgetting the laptop again tomorrow morning when that moment hasn’t even come yet. If I can forget it when I put it on top of my own bag which I didn’t forget then what more can I possibly do to make sure I take the damn thing!

Aside from just hating myself today, I hate my OCD and depression. I hate it for making me have to acknowledge that it’s there and tell employers, health professionals, friends and family. I hate that I have to tell them and wait to be judged which happens over 50% of the time.

Did you know that mental health is more common than cancer and heart disease. More common than arthritis and diabetes. The success rate for treating heart disease is more successful than treatment for mental health. I hate that I have to know this fact instead of some interesting fact about the stars.

I wish that people understood mental health more and knew that I have no choice but to be who I am. I hate that I feel the need to justify that sometimes I do struggle and it’s not my fault, I’m doing all I can.

I hate HATE my OCD and depression today for being so debilitating and making me hate myself.

I’m just grateful that my husband loves me and my craziness even when I can’t.

XxX

Update: I refuse to be beaten! I won’t forget the laptop if I can’t forget my shoes 😂🙈

I have a theory 

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I have a theory that if the working world worked less hours we would actually be more productive and healthier. I’ve always wondered how the 5 day working week came about and who ever thought it would be a good idea. How have we all naturally accepted and migrated to this notion.

Imagine if everyone worked a 4 day week or even 3.5 day week. We would have more time for ourselves and our families. Enjoying and having more time for our personal life would make us resent our working life less.

I have previously worked compressed hours. Full time hours in a 4 day week. I always made a point to leave on time and I always took my full hour lunch. I was actually more productive in these 4 days than I was in 5 and I believe that if my hours were less I would be even more productive.

How many of us procrastinate on a daily basis? When you have a goal to focus on, a deadline each day to leave on time and go home, and your reward is just that ‘going home’ we can be so much more productive. If we go into work of the mind that ‘today is going to be a long day’ then it will be, you won’t send that email now because well you’re here all night and you have plenty of time!

Of course there are those of us that really are overworked. A very close friend of mine works extremely long hours and works incredibly hard with very little procrastination. I see the effect this has on her and the stress it causes not only mentally but physically too. How did she get to this point? And yet others of the same level and role of her, often paid more, are working less. It’s that old saying ‘victim of your own success’. We need to learn to put our work down and come back to it and if that means deadlines are missed then there is a problem with the process and organisation and not the person.

Sweden have recently wised up to this and reduced weekly working hours to increase productivity and well being.

Imagine if we all only worked 3 days. There would be more jobs available for others. Yes we would be paid less but everyone would be so the cost of living would go down. Everyone would be much healthier and would cost the health service less and the world would be a much happier place generally. 

People would have more time to learn and develop them selves. Time to give back and volunteer. Time to see their children.

I know my plan will be full of holes but it’s a nice thought isn’t it?

How did we get where we are and where are we going? 

In a few weeks I move to a 4 day week and I can’t wait. 

Feeling optimistic

XxX

The Carriage of Anxiety

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Ergh, train time. One of the worst parts of my day is train time. I always get the same train at exactly the same time every day. The same carriage, the same door, the same seat. I time the train just right so that I get the empty one. If I’m there early I watch everyone running for the train packed out with people. Little do they know if they waited back a few moments an almost empty train would be right along.

Well today I’m late and I don’t know how it happened. Just by 7 minutes but that to me is super late. There is no way I’m going to make my usual train which I always ALWAYS get and I’m slightly terrified.

If I don’t get a seat on the train I often have panic attacks or have to get off to stop myself from fainting. If it’s a shorter journey and I’m with friends it’s not so bad but I still can’t shake that anxious dizzy feeling no matter what. I end up in cold sweats feeling sick and completely drained.

I get to the train platform and it’s relatively busy, not super busy but busy enough. I stand in my usual spot but there is a girl already there waiting. Perhaps this is her ‘usual spot’ at this time of day. I don’t know. I’m not used to this alien time. I would normally see the same families and individuals travelling to school and work every day and we all understand where each other stand and wait for that train. We don’t stand in each other’s space and we all know about the secret empty train.

In this alien time I don’t know who has right of way and who stands where. Anyone else would just find a darn spot to stand in and get on with it! I unfortunately have to stand as close to my spot as I can. This poor girl on the platform must think I’m such a weirdo. Of all the empty space on the platform I choose to come and stand right next to her. Yup I would think I was a bit strange too.


In the distance I see a scary sight, my ‘stalker’ a man who has been following me on the trains for the past year. Police have taken him off the train in the past and issued him a harassment warning. I haven’t seen him since that warning but now that I’m late he is here. Luckily he stays away. 

Many people don’t realise that people with mental health problems are much more likely to be victims of crime – people often think they’re the perpetrators! Well sadly I’m an easy target as it’s easy to figure out my routine. I’ll post another blog at some point about all 4 of my stalkers at different times of life.


A train arrives, it’s not empty (of course it’s not it’s rush hour and the secret train has gone). My brain is now having this crazy battle with itself. Do I get on? Do I wait and take a chance that the next one might be empty? Even though the closer we get to rush hour the more manic it will be?

The doors stop in front of me and I step on. I kind of have to as others are waiting behind me. I move down the carriage to stand by the seats. I always do my best to stand in an area with as many seats as possible. I figure there is more possibility of someone standing and me getting a seat if I’m next to a large number of them. 

I watch everyone’s moves discreetly. Who is folding up and putting their newspaper away ready to stand? Who is picking up their bags? There have been times where I have spent entire journeys on edge waiting for this to happen and not a single person has got up. In the past I have had to ask for a seat between stations before I fall down. 

So now I’m standing in the carriage, hoping, wishing someone gets off. I know the stations people are most likely to get off at so I’m hyper vigilant at these stations. All this hypersensitivity is really draining and heightens my anxiety.

And oh my goodness someone is getting off! Close to me is an older lady, not elderly but old enough. I worry if I should let her take the seat first. What kind of a complete bitch would people think I am if I sit down without giving her the option? But despite her age, what people don’t understand is that I’m so much less able to stand on this train than she is. (Presuming she doesn’t have a non visible disability too).

Luckily she doesn’t go for the seat, she’s not even interested. Now I’m sitting the fun begins. I’m relived I have a seat but I’m already feeling sick now and the motion of the train doesn’t help so this sickness is sadly going to stay for the entire journey.


I’m on edge now because every time a child gets on, or an elderly person or particularly a pregnant lady, I’m internally begging that they don’t stand near me. I literally could not stand up right now without fainting. This isn’t just a ‘mental’ thing but a physical thing. It’s incredible how much influence your mind has over the body.
So now I will spend the rest of my journey on edge hoping I don’t have to be the one that hides my face when they get on and wishing that someone else offers first. The sad thing is that my disability can’t be seen and it’s not obvious and unfortunately this world does judge people by the way they look and appear. 

‘You look absolutely fine’ I’ve heard in the past.

I’m glad I’m sitting now but I can’t wait for this journey to be over so that I can shake this sickness and not feel on edge every waking moment. But whatever happens I know I’ll make it through and that’s a positive start.

Hopeful on a Monday.

XxX

Update: in my haste this morning and panic I’ve actually gone to the wrong office. So after the embarrassment of logging on and suddenly realising I should be somewhere else, I’m now back on the trains again! Wish me luck!

The Birth of Openness

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This week has been pretty hellish for me, I suppose that’s what finally pushed me to start Diary of a ‘Mad’ girl. Over the past year I have learnt to become more and more open about my mental health, something that I have found to be particularly helpful when it comes to coping with any anxieties or depressive moments I may have. Being open about who you truly are and how you really feel can be completely liberating and quite inspiring. Strangely, I can often find more courage when opening up to strangers. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have a ‘reputation’ to uphold or a ‘character’ to protect. What you see is what you get. If a stranger knows my darkest secrets I won’t have to see their eyes everyday looking at me and knowing my struggle. Of course family I see everyday so that’s a different story.

I’ve really come a long way in the past year, just being me. sadly this week I found myself being put back into my box, knocked back a century or two and silenced with gaffa tape. My ability to be open to the world was completely stripped from me and so too was one of my biggest coping mechanisms – openess. What do you do when your told you’re not allowed to discuss your mental health? And with no reason given for the need to be silent on the topic other than ‘not everyone is ready to hear about mental health’. Well excuse me whilst I ask all those with visible disabilities to cover themselves with blankets because people just aren’t ready to hear about disabilities. What outrage would ensue? So why then is mental health still treated so differently to physical health. My brain has an actual physical condition, a chemical imbalance and yet I must act as though this disability does not exist.

If I had a heart condition would you ask me to run up 5 flights of stairs to deliver a letter? Would you expect me to disclose my health difficulty to you so that I could take the lift instead? Or would you prefer I keep quiet and die of a heart attack? If the reasonable adjustments you make for someone with a physical disability allow them to function better, then what reasonable adjustments can you make for me when I’m suffering from a chronic illness that I’m unable to discuss?

With so much change going on in the world, both for the better and worse, I refuse to remain silent on the issue of mental health. If we campaign for cancer why is mental health any different? I will be regularly sharing my experiences with mental health, positive, negative, the wins and my struggles. I hope that Diary of a ‘Mad’ Girl will help others that face mental health difficulties, friends and family and those that have no idea what it’s all about but are willing to learn more and spread the message.

I look forward to taking this journey of openness with you and will forever be grateful for the time you spend reading and sharing Diary of a ‘Mad’ Girl.

Thank you

XxX