Growing up in in a large town on the outskirts of London I have been lucky to meet a diverse range of people. My experiences have shaped who I am and my personality and mental health has shaped how I respond to my experiences.
My first memory of OCD was at aged 4. I had asked my mum to draw me 3 lines of highlighter on a piece of paper. She quickly and carefully drew the three colourful lines. Frustration in my brain told me that the picture wasn’t ‘quite right’. It was supposed to be smaller, mirroring the highlighter marks she had made on her own study work.
Frustrated with the result I decided to go to the bin and throw it away. An act and experience that lasted no longer than 2 minutes and one that would haunt me for the rest of my life. I have never felt guilt in my life comparable to the guilt I feel when I remember that moment. I have no childhood memory clearer than this one and yet the day was what anyone would describe as uneventful. Years of hoarding, guilt, depression, obsessions and compulsions grew from this one moment.
OCD and Aspergers are not curable but they are manageable. Unfortunately my depression goes hand in hand with these conditions so who knows if I will ever shake that. A healthy dose of medication helps to keep my brain at an even level but from time to time even the strongest tablet in the world cannot save me from myself.
They say the bravest people are those that have to wake up every morning and battle with their own mind and I tend to agree. Where their own mind is the most awful bully and no amount of running away and hiding is going to keep the bully at bay. The bully lives in your head and the more you reason with it and argue the stronger and bolder the bully becomes.
I have overcome many hurdles in my life. Being a successful performer in college, a high achiever in university and a qualified Barrister. I have won sporting medals, been the president of 3 societies and even travelled to Vienna to head up and run a global conference. And yet my biggest achievements to date are the days when my brain tells me not to go on, not to get up and to just give up there and then. The days where I choose to ignore the voices and emotions in my head, where I refuse to give up and I continue to push on. Those days are my proudest because they are personal to me and they are the days that truly achieve the impossible.
I look forward to sharing my thoughts with you, whether they be scary, happy, sad or just ordinary. I will chose topics relevant to my life at the time but would love to hear from you too and to know what you want to hear so please do get in contact through my contact page.
Love as always
The ‘Mad’ Girl in all of us.