Ecstatically Terrified

Some of you are reading this because you subscribe (thank you! And sorry!) Some because you’ve seen it on Facebook and hopefully some of you because the title means something to you.

Ecstatically terrified probably explains my emotions 50% of the time. As a human being I’m extremely adventurous and excited about my next journey. As a human being with anxiety I’m terrified of everything. And even if you don’t suffer with anxiety we all live with a little fear. So I’m in a constant state of unbalance, between ‘I want to fly to Nepal’ and ‘if I don’t make myself sick the plane will crash’ (OCD). ‘I want to visit Everest Base camp’ and ‘it will be my fault when my husband dies on the way up’. (Typing that makes me feel guilty like somehow it’s now more likely, I’ll be surprised if I don’t delete it.)

I felt the same hiking in California and Yosemite but when I made it to the top of Taft Point looking 8,000 feet down all my fears were gone. I could have died right there knowing I had truly lived. It taught me something I had said all along…

“The best views come after the hardest climb”

I mean in this sense it was literally. It really was the best view I’d seen in my life after the most exhausting climb. But it rings even more true in everyday life. Some of you will be going through the hardest battles you’ve ever faced and some of you will be facing your own challenges day to day, but you’ll make it through and I promise you it will be worth the climb.

Right now I only have 2 weeks left at my current job before starting a new opportunity. I’m absolutely terrified. Terrified because I love the people I currently work with. It’s the only work place that have accepted me for who I am, and a big part of why I’ve been quiet the last year because I haven’t felt the need to write so much. They have taught me that I am enough. They have loved me for my successes and my flaws. They have listened and they have taught me to listen, and for the rest of my life I will be grateful. I don’t know that they will ever understand the impact they have made on my life from now and forever.

That’s exactly why I have to leave. It would be so easy for me to stay, to be comfortable in my role but to never push the boundary and explore more. Being that routine makes me comfortable, I need to keep challenging myself to keep challenging my mental health and grow my comfort zone. I’m ecstatic because I get to take on a new role in a University which is so exciting to me because I love learning. The people seem incredible and I’m really excited to learn new things and meet new people.

So here I am. Stuck somewhere in-between ecstatic and terrified. I’ve thought about staying put, staying in my safe place with the people that have looked after me so well this past year and a half, taking the time to understand my OCD and anxieties. But if I do that I’m never giving the rest of the world an opportunity to prove that it too can be kind.

And I remind myself that if it all goes wrong, if I slip and I fall again, I’ll pull myself up and keep walking like I did before. I’ll climb up that mountain and I’ll remember Taft Point and feeling more content than I have in my entire life.

Whatever you may be facing now remember that when you get to where you need to be it really will be magical. You might not even know when you will succeed or what that even looks like. I didn’t know that my current role was going to be so good for me, I just made that jump with no expectations or preconceived thoughts. I would like to say that they fixed me but really they just allowed me the space I needed to fix myself. Sometimes all we need is a little patience from others.

I recently read online that in video games you know you’re going in the right direction when you meet the biggest enemies. Whatever your enemy may be and whatever battle you are facing know that it will be worth it and you will make it through. Don’t allow your excitement and ‘ecstatic’ to loose against your ‘terrified’ and when it does remember that it’s OK to slip and fall, no mountaineer ever made it to the top without some stumbles. It’s what you do after the stumble that matters. Get up and keep climbing.

The view really will be one of the best you’ve ever seen.

One thought on “Ecstatically Terrified

  1. Danni says:

    Hey could you tell me how you go about writing on a diary thing like you are doing?

    Also I am so proud of you not just as my family or as my cousin, but as a strong woman. Who is smart and isn’t afraid to face her fears. I only wish I had more courage like you to face my fears and to be able to do things I want to. Instead of being constantly scared and worried about every little thing and about my loved ones xx


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